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Rules for Driving in Adelaide
1. Indicators will give away your next move. A real Adelaide driver never uses them. (An unique Adelaide traffic innovation.)
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.(If somebody does leave space, check his plates. Probably a Sydney driver, or a bloody –pphhht– Vic! Drive around him, cut him off and shove on your brakes to show the ignorant bastard how it’s supposed to be done in Adelaide.)
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."(In Sydney it’s called “ traffic”)
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.(True!)
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive repairs. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.(In which case you might as well park your car and walk. You’ve just identified 50% of Adelaides’ fleet.)
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. (Especially if you’ve got a ding in the back panel from when you reversed into the mongrel who parked too close to you at BigW. Why should it come out of your No Claim Bonus?. They just don’t understand that one in Sydney)
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.(Oh come on mate, you’re just reminiscing. Adelaides’ speed limit has become a frustrating 5kph below the posted limit over the past decade, because everyone’s so scared of those privatised radar rorters. What a great little business to own!)
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Adelaide.(That’s twice it’s been mentioned. Remind me again, which 15 minute period is Adelaides’ rush-hour again?)
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre.(In Sydney we call that roadside entertainment.)
10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.(My fourbie is!! Got Sydney plates too!)
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Adelaide is the home of High Speed Slalom Driving thanks to our Dept. of Road Transport and local Councils, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes, not forgetting the 'Test your skill' chicanes in suburbs.(That’s probably the thing I miss most about Adelaide.)
12. It is traditional in Adelaide to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.(I invented that. I’ve been trying to introduce it to Sydney, but the bastards just smile, wave and hold their mobiles upto show they understand that you didn’t realize they were busy.)
13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.(Best reason I ever heard for wearing dark glasses.)
14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.(We used to call it “Adelaide Roulette”. Huuge fun!)
15. Remember that the goal of every Adelaide driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.(And that’s unique to Adelaide because, ..?)
16. Real Adelaide female drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.(Bet they couldn’t eat noodles with chopsticks, flat-out in Sydneys’ peak, driving with their elbows. That’s 0-40kpm repeatedly every 200 metres, on every route within 40ks of the City. I have seen it done on several occasions, and it still amazes me.)
17. Real Adelaide male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 95 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.(When I lived in Adelaide the only bloke I knew of who wore pantyhose was Alexander Downer. Did he start a fashion trend?)
18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process and creating a need for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.(That’s just common sense stuff.)
19. There is a commonly held belief in Adelaide that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.(I wholeheartedly support that theory. In fact, I think I invented that too. I certainly perfected it.)
20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because, hell - they have brakes.(There ya go! There’s that good old Adelaide optimism!)
21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around Elizabeth, Port Adelaide and Athol Park. (That extends to most of Adelaide if you’re driving with interstate plates, especially VIC –pphhhht- plates.In fact, to ensure your own safety, you should take the Mt Gambier – Port-Agutta – Eucla ring-route around the city.)
22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.(Common sense!)
23. Its O.K when driving in Golden Grove to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "arse-hole". However, it is imperative you are driving at least a 5-litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.(Isn’t Golden Grove a display village? Do real people live there now?)
24. Adelaide drivers are experts at merging. When in two or more lanes travelling in the same direction, ensure that if you see someone politely indicating, waiting slowly trying to merge into your lane, show them that they must 'Wait their turn' to use your lane. Speed up, try to cut them off, should they succeed and get into your lane, ensure that you flash your lights, honk your horn, use extreme hand gestures and tailgate them, just to let them know, IT WAS YOUR LANE.(Don’t ever change Adelaide! You are world famous for that! In fact, be careful that the bloody Vic’s –pphhhht- don’t try and pinch it from you)
25. Ensure that when merging into traffic travelling at any more than 40kph that you stop in the merging lane, backing up traffic for miles behind you, ensuring that you haven't given yourself or anyone else that opportunity to merge. Again, forget that the traffic handbook states that you should speed up to meet traffic speed then merge. If you are travelling in a lane near a merge lane, don't change lanes to make it easy for them, instead see rule 24, after all they deserve it.(Now you’re getting into the realms of religion. This is a sacred manoeuver taught by every ordained Adelaide driver to their padawans. Unfortunately, it is not well accepted or understood by outsiders.)
26. While using Adelaide roundabouts, particularly two lane roundabouts, ENSURE that you are in the left lane to turn right, or the right to turn left, hell lets keep those people in those other lanes on their toes.(That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Even the guy who wrote this is clueless on roundabouts. Tell me again, which Adelaide roundabout is it where you can turn right?)
27. If you are a TransAdelaide bus driver, you must win at all costs, getting to your destination prior to any other driver is life and death. Never worry about your passengers bouncing around in the back like tennis balls, hell it's a cheap form of theme park, in fact Adelaide's very own. (Don’t worry busie. If they fire you ‘coz you’re a lousy driver, come to Sydney. They’ll probably make you an instructor!)
28. Adelaide taxis see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.(What’s a GMC 400?)
29. Pedestrian crossings - What are they?(In Sydney they are stripped thrill-strips, where pedestrians get their rocks-off jumping blindly out in front of anything that moves, regardless of size, speed, colour or creed.)
30. If you are a cyclist remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!(Ha ha .. Hey that’s a good on! Keep telling them that. Lull them bloody tree hugging, greenie, lefty, tofu eaters into a real sense of security. I reckon it just might work. then We can pick ‘em all off one at a time.)
31. Remember, the wider, smoother, and safer the road... the lower the speed limit.(Not always! Only after you’ve had a few Coopers, when the road is at it’s widest, smoothest and safest.It’s just a pity you have to drive reeeeal slow, so the cops won’t see you.)
32. When driving on the freeway, find somebody who is going slow and drive next to them so that nobody can pass you. It's called speed prevention. It's your duty!(Silly thing is, it slows down us poor buggers who’re trying to get the hell out, back to Sydney. They’re even slowing down the bloody Vics – pphhhhtt!)
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.(If somebody does leave space, check his plates. Probably a Sydney driver, or a bloody –pphhht– Vic! Drive around him, cut him off and shove on your brakes to show the ignorant bastard how it’s supposed to be done in Adelaide.)
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."(In Sydney it’s called “ traffic”)
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.(True!)
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive repairs. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.(In which case you might as well park your car and walk. You’ve just identified 50% of Adelaides’ fleet.)
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. (Especially if you’ve got a ding in the back panel from when you reversed into the mongrel who parked too close to you at BigW. Why should it come out of your No Claim Bonus?. They just don’t understand that one in Sydney)
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.(Oh come on mate, you’re just reminiscing. Adelaides’ speed limit has become a frustrating 5kph below the posted limit over the past decade, because everyone’s so scared of those privatised radar rorters. What a great little business to own!)
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Adelaide.(That’s twice it’s been mentioned. Remind me again, which 15 minute period is Adelaides’ rush-hour again?)
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre.(In Sydney we call that roadside entertainment.)
10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.(My fourbie is!! Got Sydney plates too!)
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Adelaide is the home of High Speed Slalom Driving thanks to our Dept. of Road Transport and local Councils, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes, not forgetting the 'Test your skill' chicanes in suburbs.(That’s probably the thing I miss most about Adelaide.)
12. It is traditional in Adelaide to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.(I invented that. I’ve been trying to introduce it to Sydney, but the bastards just smile, wave and hold their mobiles upto show they understand that you didn’t realize they were busy.)
13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.(Best reason I ever heard for wearing dark glasses.)
14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.(We used to call it “Adelaide Roulette”. Huuge fun!)
15. Remember that the goal of every Adelaide driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.(And that’s unique to Adelaide because, ..?)
16. Real Adelaide female drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.(Bet they couldn’t eat noodles with chopsticks, flat-out in Sydneys’ peak, driving with their elbows. That’s 0-40kpm repeatedly every 200 metres, on every route within 40ks of the City. I have seen it done on several occasions, and it still amazes me.)
17. Real Adelaide male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 95 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.(When I lived in Adelaide the only bloke I knew of who wore pantyhose was Alexander Downer. Did he start a fashion trend?)
18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process and creating a need for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.(That’s just common sense stuff.)
19. There is a commonly held belief in Adelaide that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.(I wholeheartedly support that theory. In fact, I think I invented that too. I certainly perfected it.)
20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because, hell - they have brakes.(There ya go! There’s that good old Adelaide optimism!)
21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around Elizabeth, Port Adelaide and Athol Park. (That extends to most of Adelaide if you’re driving with interstate plates, especially VIC –pphhhht- plates.In fact, to ensure your own safety, you should take the Mt Gambier – Port-Agutta – Eucla ring-route around the city.)
22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.(Common sense!)
23. Its O.K when driving in Golden Grove to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "arse-hole". However, it is imperative you are driving at least a 5-litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.(Isn’t Golden Grove a display village? Do real people live there now?)
24. Adelaide drivers are experts at merging. When in two or more lanes travelling in the same direction, ensure that if you see someone politely indicating, waiting slowly trying to merge into your lane, show them that they must 'Wait their turn' to use your lane. Speed up, try to cut them off, should they succeed and get into your lane, ensure that you flash your lights, honk your horn, use extreme hand gestures and tailgate them, just to let them know, IT WAS YOUR LANE.(Don’t ever change Adelaide! You are world famous for that! In fact, be careful that the bloody Vic’s –pphhhht- don’t try and pinch it from you)
25. Ensure that when merging into traffic travelling at any more than 40kph that you stop in the merging lane, backing up traffic for miles behind you, ensuring that you haven't given yourself or anyone else that opportunity to merge. Again, forget that the traffic handbook states that you should speed up to meet traffic speed then merge. If you are travelling in a lane near a merge lane, don't change lanes to make it easy for them, instead see rule 24, after all they deserve it.(Now you’re getting into the realms of religion. This is a sacred manoeuver taught by every ordained Adelaide driver to their padawans. Unfortunately, it is not well accepted or understood by outsiders.)
26. While using Adelaide roundabouts, particularly two lane roundabouts, ENSURE that you are in the left lane to turn right, or the right to turn left, hell lets keep those people in those other lanes on their toes.(That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Even the guy who wrote this is clueless on roundabouts. Tell me again, which Adelaide roundabout is it where you can turn right?)
27. If you are a TransAdelaide bus driver, you must win at all costs, getting to your destination prior to any other driver is life and death. Never worry about your passengers bouncing around in the back like tennis balls, hell it's a cheap form of theme park, in fact Adelaide's very own. (Don’t worry busie. If they fire you ‘coz you’re a lousy driver, come to Sydney. They’ll probably make you an instructor!)
28. Adelaide taxis see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.(What’s a GMC 400?)
29. Pedestrian crossings - What are they?(In Sydney they are stripped thrill-strips, where pedestrians get their rocks-off jumping blindly out in front of anything that moves, regardless of size, speed, colour or creed.)
30. If you are a cyclist remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!(Ha ha .. Hey that’s a good on! Keep telling them that. Lull them bloody tree hugging, greenie, lefty, tofu eaters into a real sense of security. I reckon it just might work. then We can pick ‘em all off one at a time.)
31. Remember, the wider, smoother, and safer the road... the lower the speed limit.(Not always! Only after you’ve had a few Coopers, when the road is at it’s widest, smoothest and safest.It’s just a pity you have to drive reeeeal slow, so the cops won’t see you.)
32. When driving on the freeway, find somebody who is going slow and drive next to them so that nobody can pass you. It's called speed prevention. It's your duty!(Silly thing is, it slows down us poor buggers who’re trying to get the hell out, back to Sydney. They’re even slowing down the bloody Vics – pphhhhtt!)
